Diary of a Teenage Murderer by Emlyn Hall

Author:Emlyn Hall [Hall, Emlyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: funny book, adrian mole, secret diary, hilarious book, teenage diary, funniest books, diary of a, adrian mole diary, diary of a teenage, the secret diary of
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Saturday, March 4th

Oh my god, my parents are a fucking hideous embarrassment! Sasha arrived for dinner at around 17:45 and left at 20:56. I know this almost to the second, as I was in severe psychological pain for the duration of her stay. Now don’t get me wrong, dear diary, if my parents were not around the three hours and 38 minutes would have passed in what seemed like a blink of the eye. But with my parents present the same amount of time seemed to last just shy of 46 weeks.

My dad decided to turn into the world’s shittiest stand-up comedian. Here are a few of the priceless gems he decided to share with my beloved Sasha:

My father used to walk up and down the catwalks of Paris, Milan and Madrid carrying a bag of sesame seed buns. He was a fantastic ‘roll model’.

I took my wife to the races the other day and she got stung five times on her head. She really had a bee in her bonnet.

The other day my wife said to me, “Dum de dum.” I said, “Pardon?” She then said, “La de da.” I said, “Well, you’ve changed your tune.

You see, an absolute bag of shit.

My mum spent the evening showing Sasha pictures of me when I was a toddler. I honestly had no idea that there were so many pictures of me with my cock and/or ass on display in circulation. I am tempted to write a letter to the company that has developed them and ask them why they felt it appropriate to print so many pictures of a two-year-old child fully displaying his rather small and inoffensive family jewels! It really doesn’t seem right at all, I thought this country was supposed to be clamping down on paedophiles.

What made it worse was that Sasha spent the whole of her time at my house laughing at my dad’s shit jokes and the several thousand pictures of my pre-pubescent balls. Nice. One thing’s for sure though, my parents absolutely fell head over heels for Sasha, and why shouldn’t they? – she is completely perfect. As embarrassed as I was with the situation I couldn’t help smile as Sasha’s face lit up every time she laughed. She is gorgeous all of the time, but when she laughs her whole body laughs. She glows and I love her more.

My mum was relentless, photo after photo, story after story, bollock after bollock. But Sasha just carried on laughing and genuinely seemed interested in everything the crazy woman had to say. She really must be into me

The only saving grace of the whole evening was the fact that my dad cooked instead of my mum. My mum’s cooking may well have spelt the end for Sasha and me, so thank the lord!

Credit where credit is due, my dad pulled it out of the bag as far as dinner was concerned. We had a rocket salad with caramelised onion and crispy streaky bacon for starter. Followed by fillet steak with a peppercorn sauce.

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